dancing in the moonlight

i lost four friends in past year, during the JoeBiden5gCoronavirus. two killed themselves and two overdosed on heroin. all within 5 weeks of each other. thanks guys!

so i started doing jiujitsu.

even then, in the depths of my grief, i wanted “dancing”. i tried to join a muay thai gym. kick the bag, pretend to spar a few times a week.

i did not get “dancing”, there was no performative nature. there could not be. i got strangled. it felt like a car crash. God must’ve made me keep showing up. eight months later i couldn’t honestly explain to you why i train everyday. i tell my peers that i “fell in love, unexpectedly”. this isn’t love, i like to think i loved once before. this feels more like a meditation on death. a nightly seppuku to keep myself off hard drugs. duty and honor. blood and soil. dancing.

ev

rip to all my dead dawgs i do it for you